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Catholic Church data breach exposes 134 million sins

If you have a soul, there’s a good chance that your petty theft and weird fetishes may be among the millions of sins exposed in the latest Vatican City data breach.

The hackers accessed email addresses, Social Security numbers, Social Security numbers of neighbor’s wives coveted, names of relatives swindled out of inheritances, and, in some instances, confessions of high treason.

The Vatican apologized in a public statement, assuring churchgoers that they’ve more than tripled the number of Hail Marys required to access their servers.

This is the largest religious data breach since Hinduism was hacked in 2015, which resulted in the reincarnation of 12 million people as mangoes.