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When I began my Soylent-only diet, I had no idea I would win J.D. Power & Associates’ Award for Most Fuel Efficient Compact Vehicle

By Garrett Dartmouth

Egg sandwiches for breakfast, Chinese for lunch, pasta for dinner: it adds up. There I was in 2017, spending over $55 dollars a day on meals alone. But it wasn’t just the cost, it was also the calories. Hot cakes, bacon wrapped dates, sushi: I consumed over 3,500 calories a day in 2017. Something needed to change, and it needed to change fast. So I made a drastic life adjustment and for 30 full days I consumed nothing but Soylent and now I have won the 2018 J.D. Power and Associates’ Award for Most Fuel Efficient Compact Vehicle.

Before you rush to try the same, I want to state a couple of disclaimers. Firstly, I am in pain. Soylent made me so fuel efficient it hurts my insides. At this point, they may be organs or a transmission.

Second, I can’t remember if I get an oil change every 3,000 or 5,000 miles. Also, when was my last tetanus shot? 3,000 miles ago? Whoops, there I go again, measuring things in miles. My organs are metal now. Thirdly, vroom vroom, beep beep, get out of the way.

At this point, you may be wondering why I tried the Soylent diet at all. The answer is twofold: I am now very fast and very fuel efficient.

Aside from a much lower appetite and my head becoming a steering wheel, I experienced these symptoms:

  • Higher than usual caffeine sensitivity and more noticeable post-caffeine slumps
  • I was able to plow through intersections much quicker and more efficiently than before
  • Flavors were a bit more intense and came across as sweeter than normal
  • My bones turned to metal

By far my biggest problem with the Soylent diet was not having a soul. The only things that brought me pleasure were running over tin cans and having my gaskets lubricated.

So what’s the result of this experiment? Let’s just say I’m off the Soylent bandwagon now. I wrote this article with spaghetti hanging from the side mirrors where my ears used to be. There is tomato bisque all over my windshield. I’ve concluded that I have no desire to continue the Soylent diet because I love variety and having a heartbeat.

Also, my SiriusXM trial expires next week.