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You want a happy life, so you must read my 5 tips on productivity right now or else

By Brantley Kucic-Smith, Productivity Czar

1) Results Matter Most

Practically, that means this: if something is not a result, it does not matter.

Let’s say it took you four hours to mail a birthday card to your grandma. But your grandma is a racist. You could have done anything with that time, so why did you spend it making a racist feel good? You could have meditated or built an app. Every time you think about mailing stuff to racist relatives, you should be meditating or building an app instead.

2) Know Thy Time

The good way is to spend 100% of your time being productive. The bad way is all else.

3) Remember the Lenny Kravitz Rule: It’s Okay To Suck

I will never forget the first time I felt the sting of suck. I was fresh out of school and a junior analyst at a big firm and I made the following joke: EBITDA? More like EBIDGAH: Earnings Before I Don’t Give a Hoot.

No one laughed.

I was thoroughly convinced that because of how much I sucked I was relegated to having a pathetic life. All the dreams I had were just that – dreams. And then I turned on the radio and heard “Where Are We Running” by Lenny Kravitz and it sucked. And then I typed “lenny kravitz net worth” into Google. And I realized that sometimes it’s okay to suck if you have $40 million.

Just look at Lenny’s body of work. “Fly Away” is a joke. It makes “Tubthumping” look like it was written by David Foster Wallace. “American Woman” is Lenny’s other’s big hit. Wow, that’s not even an original Lenny. I’m pretty sure The Guess Who did that song like 30 years ago. And yet here we are: Lenny Kravitz has $40 million and he sucks. Sometimes it is okay to suck.

4) Marry Someone Rich for the Disposable Income Opportunities

Imagine this: you make $50,000 a year and you’re not married to someone rich. Pretty crappy, right? Now imagine this: you make $49,000 – EVEN LESS MONEY THAN BEFORE – but you’re married to someone who has $20 Million. Sounds a lot better, huh?

Now, some will say, “What if I don’t have access to the money? Ever heard of pre-nup?”

That, my friends, is exactly the thinking that will lead you not into success, but into the dark caverns of failure – and you want to avoid these dark caverns. Say, “Screw you dark caverns, I want success! I don’t want to retire when I’m 65! I want to retire now, dark caverns!”

So here’s what you do: you start stealing things from around your mansion. Start small. Perhaps jack a few bars of scented soap. Ease into it! Once you’ve found your larceny groove, steal the ivory sculpture of your husband’s great-grandfather in the foyer.

Then, you sell these things. Invest the money in a few index funds. Get as much of that $20 million as you can, get it liquid, and throw it into index funds.

Goodbye, dark caverns. Hello, unlimited $.50 margaritas in Phuket.

5) Delegate Unimportant Tasks to India

Imagine Peter Drucker and Tim Ferriss had a very productive baby. What’s the first thing that baby would do? It would send all of its work to India.

Too many emails in your inbox? India. Drowning in manual Excel work? India. Your kid wants you to read them a bedtime story? India. Employee demanding a raise? Better pay up, right? Nope. Send his job to India.

I crunched the numbers and it’s clear: India is at 44% of its growth potential. That’s a full 56% of juicy potential from the Ganges to the Taj Mahal. Forward your emails east and buy yourself a one-way ticket to Pina Colada City with a layover in Mai Tai Raton.

Ah, Mai Thai Raton. Population: one clever son-of-a-gun.