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Red Lobster sets sail into voice assistant market

Red Lobster announced this week that they’ll be joining the long list of companies in the hotly-contested voice assistant market. CEO Kim Lopdrup painted clear targets on the backs of Amazon, Google, Apple, and others by unveiling Pesca at the company’s annual South By Shrimpwest festival.

“There’s an unspoken rule for voice assistants in 2018: you need to shut up about tartar sauce unless you’re asked,” Lopdrup told a raucous crowd of Red Lobster fans. “We disagree. Ahoy Pesca, activate tartar sauce cannons. Let ‘er rip!”

Google and Amazon have failed to rock the boat with the Google Home and Alexa, which as of 2018 still didn’t include dual tartar sauce cannons or an adult-sized bib. Red Lobster is taking a fresh angle by integrating crab odor emission chambers and two-bivalve authentication.

Pesca’s full specs include:

  • Dual 4-inch retractable tartar sauce cannons
  • Fast-charging sextant
  • Exoskeletal recognition
  • Water resistance

Red Lobster keeps reminding us that the minds who added lobster to mac and cheese continue to innovate.

Avast ye, Alexa. Pesca is captain now.