As you probably know by now, a new set of regulations will be going into effect in the EU to govern how personally identifiable data is collected and handled online, and those regulations will prohibit TechLoaf from continuing to sell your personal data to the West African Islamist group Boko Haram without your express permission.
Effective immediately, we are terminating our data brokerage deals with Boko Haram, ISIS, The Insane Clown Posse, Fox News, Westboro Baptist Church, and eighteen companies you’ve never heard of but are essentially far worse versions of Cambridge Analytica.
In order to deter hackers from attacking TechLoaf’s servers, we will be moving your personal data into various Craigslist Ads, placing the burden of security into the hands of a far more competent and better-capitalized business than our own.
We will be prohibiting any and all new subscribers from Europe because we have no interest in serving those who restrict our ability to innovate and release wildly-disruptive products with negligible oversight.
We have fired our lawyer who barely even gave me a head’s up on all this stuff. What the hell is up with that Bill? Do NOT hire Bill “The Hammer” McDonnell as your attorney. Ever.
If you have any questions please email firstname.lastname@example.org.
President, Founder, Editor-In-Chief
TechLoaf International Holdings, Inc.
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