The Cool Fruit Medley™ Angel of Death descended upon San Francisco yesterday when twelve one-million gallon flavor vats at the Emeryville JUUL factory violently ruptured, enshrouding thousands in a cloud of invigorating, soothing radiation.
“It all happened so fast,” said local resident Michael Sayers without wheezing, coughing, or reeking of the signature cigarette smell that drives women away. “The pulsating white glow emanating from the charging light that formed on my forehead will take some getting used to.”
“JUUL is committed to working with local emergency response teams and ensuring the continued safety of the community,” said CEO Bharat Vasan as he watched a crowd of radiation-exposed customers fight to a cool, flavor-packed death over the town’s last open USB port. “But hey, it’s not like anyone got lung cancer.”
This is expected to be America’s second-worst flavor catastrophe, surpassed only by the 2016 burst of the La Croix Pamplemousse Dam, which left over 10,000 Wisconsin residents homeless and refreshingly fruity without the extra calories.