Rest in Peace, Uncle George. March 2, 2018 – March 2, 2018.
He died as he lived, buried in an email with the subject line “Out Today”. If only you hadn’t pretended you were related to the SVP with the same last name and kept making wisecracks about it, maybe you could have landed the job.
May your soul find solace, Aunt Miriam. May 14, 2018 – May 14, 2018.
Her time on Earth was merely the two minutes it took to concoct an elaborate lie about how much she loved living on Martha’s Vineyard and how her living on Martha’s Vineyard bought you an extra two days off for travel. Maybe if you spent as much time preparing for this phone screen as you did making up lies about Aunt Miriam, you could have gotten that second interview.
Lest we forget Cousin Eddie. June 5, 2018 – June 5, 2018.
He had a penchant for hangliding into Yosemite’s El Capitan. Alas, you plugged in the wrong address on Google Maps and completely missed the interview. This one was a shoo-in, you moron. Kowabunga, Eddie. Death is only another adventure.
Goodnight, Sweet Bruno the Pomeranian. June 13, 2018 – June 13, 2018.
You’ll never forget the time you taught him to roll over and die because later that day you proceeded to roll over and die when you failed to identify what a LEFT JOIN was during the whiteboard exercise you blew. Farewell, young Bruno, far too sweet for life’s stinging mortal coil.
Sleep soundly, 2008 Hyundai Santa Fe. July 17, 2018 – July 17, 2018.
You’re not sure what a “brisket valve” is, nor if it is even a real part of an automobile, but you were even less sure about giving a simple example of a time you led a project. The company ultimate frisbee team is not a project and it’s clear from the 0-17 record that there was no leadership. Have fun taking Uber to work now to keep up the lie.
Rest in Peace, Great Uncle George. August 17, 2018 – August 17, 2018.
You were quick on your feet to tell your boss no, no, this is Great Uncle George on your mother’s side of the family and this guy was an inch taller. Now if only you could be so quick on your feet when realizing that you shouldn’t wear a $1,200 suit to an interview at a tech startup. Even Great Uncle George knew that.