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Everything we know about the Waymo self-driving car so far

By Carl Cantana

Boston Dynamics’ Killer Robot Horse. Ever heard of it? Oh, it’s coming. But until then, the coolest thing we’ve got is the Waymo self-driving car.

I was lucky enough to take a ride in one of these ease-mongers and learned four surprising facts about Waymo’s foray into building a car we can nap in. Buckle up, because the AI can’t drive for shit.

1. The cupholders are NOT big enough for 7-Eleven Extreme Double Gulps

Obviously my first thought when I heard “automobile of the future” was that they finally nailed a cup holder that would be able to handle the girth of my Extreme Cherry Hi-C Double Gulp from 7-Eleven. Nope. Set your cruise control for cotton mouth.

2. Gambling is still illegal inside the car

When I entered Waymo’s smart automobile with my full baccarat set, I was immediately accosted by the California Gambling Control Commission. It’s important to note that Waymo’s autonomous car does NOT operate under international waters law like I had assumedThis goes double for fireworks, cock fights, and do-it-yourself hooch brewing, all of which I had to learn the hard way.

3. If you jump in front of a Waymo expecting to get a fat settlement, Google’s lawyers WILL counter sue you

My pal Jared assumed he could get a hefty pay day from Google if he were to get nicked by a seemingly “wayward” car. What Jared didn’t know is that Google has team of lawyers as deep as a Google image search of Emilia Clarke. Jared now has a cracked clavicle, pending litigation, and no memory of 1997 to 2004, which is a shame because “Shake Ya Tailfeather” was his go-to karaoke song.

4. I slapped a picture of Calvin urinating on the Cruise Automation logo and it just doesn’t look that cool

Everybody knows the only logo fit to be desecrated upon by a cartoon character is the Dallas Cowboys star.