By Carl Cantana
Boston Dynamics’ Killer Robot Horse. Ever heard of it? Oh, it’s coming. But until then, the coolest thing we’ve got is the Waymo self-driving car.
I was lucky enough to take a ride in one of these ease-mongers and learned four surprising facts about Waymo’s foray into building a car we can nap in. Buckle up, because the AI can’t drive for shit.
1. The cupholders are NOT big enough for 7-Eleven Extreme Double Gulps
Obviously my first thought when I heard “automobile of the future” was that they finally nailed a cup holder that would be able to handle the girth of my Extreme Cherry Hi-C Double Gulp from 7-Eleven. Nope. Set your cruise control for cotton mouth.
2. Gambling is still illegal inside the car
When I entered Waymo’s smart automobile with my full baccarat set, I was immediately accosted by the California Gambling Control Commission. It’s important to note that Waymo’s autonomous car does NOT operate under international waters law like I had assumed. This goes double for fireworks, cock fights, and do-it-yourself hooch brewing, all of which I had to learn the hard way.
3. If you jump in front of a Waymo expecting to get a fat settlement, Google’s lawyers WILL counter sue you
My pal Jared assumed he could get a hefty pay day from Google if he were to get nicked by a seemingly “wayward” car. What Jared didn’t know is that Google has team of lawyers as deep as a Google image search of Emilia Clarke. Jared now has a cracked clavicle, pending litigation, and no memory of 1997 to 2004, which is a shame because “Shake Ya Tailfeather” was his go-to karaoke song.
4. I slapped a picture of Calvin urinating on the Cruise Automation logo and it just doesn’t look that cool
Everybody knows the only logo fit to be desecrated upon by a cartoon character is the Dallas Cowboys star.