By Anders Lunchberg-Liebovitz
Do you want more from your job — more freedom, more autonomy, and more time to re-read Sapiens because, oh my God, how amazing is that book?
If you’re like most people, you probably think that job offer negotiations start at salary and end at vacation time. But, you’re not like most people; you’re smart and ambitious enough to know that even your pet Komodo dragon deserves equity.
As you get ready to negotiate a new job, here are the top five things you need to demand before you sign on the dotted line.
And you should listen up, because my editor said this should be the top ten things but I got him down to five. NEGOTIATION WIN, BABY.
1. Four weeks of paid festival leave
You’d think that in the year 2018, most companies would offer a paid month of festival leave so employees can unwind at Coachella, Little Flower Big Heart, Lunar Donkey, Stinkfire, Flamingo Gulch, ToadLycker, and even Uncle Kracker’s Week of Magic (Where Everything is Alright). But get real, these jerks would rather you live stream the festival from your cube and jam out on a spreadsheet instead.
If your future boss seems hesitant, make sure that you’ve packed an authentic Lakota headdress and body paint in your briefcase the night before. When your future boss asks if you have any questions, take a quick restroom break, throw on your gear, and tell him how important this is. Seal the deal by letting him know your glitter-encrusted hula hoop has room for anyone of any gender, race, religion, or level of seniority.
2. Permission to use the Mothers’ Milk Room as a chainsaw art studio
Picture this: you’ve got them up from a $120K base to $130K, and you’ve even negotiated an extra month of paid festival leave. Now it’s time to go for the jugular. Your didn’t spend years perfecting your ability to craft a majestic kraken battle out of fallen oak trees with Stihl power saws for nothing, and you sure as hell aren’t going to stop now.
The key to any good negotiation is making the other side feel like they have won, so what you want to do is aim high and open the conversation by demanding a sheet metal welding workshop in the handicap, gender-neutral bathroom. Now, you know you won’t get this, but you’ll have planted the seed. This seed will grow into a tree that you will cut down and carve into a full-bust likeness of Apollo, Greek God of the Sun.
If all else fails, claim that your current employer not only allows you to perform chainsaw art in the Mothers’ Milk room, but provides the trees and saw.
3. Religious holidays for all religions with over 20,000 members
As a child of the world, you have every right to celebrate the major holidays of any religion with at least 20,000 registered members, an active Facebook page, and a functioning “Contact Us” form on their website.
Demand that you will celebrate L. Ron Hubbard’s birthday in mid-March with your fellow Scientologists and take off the first week of September to fast alongside your Jainist brethren during Paryushana. If your future employer pushes back, be willing to meet halfway and request off the entire event calendar of Anthony Levandowski’s Way of The Future. Bonus points: have you ever spiked a baptismal font with LSD? Now you’ve got every saint’s birthday off.
If they say no to giving you a big piece of the cap table, ask for the conference room table instead. Over the course of a career, you’ll be able to amass an impressive collection of tables, lumbar supported chairs, and fluorescent light bulbs.
Also, you don’t have to negotiate for monitors. You can just take them on the way out if you get fired – no one checks. I currently have 14 monitors in my house from this trick of the trade.
5. Never-Ending Soup, Salads, and Breadsticks™
The VP of Marketing told you that the company is one big family. Therefore, if you’re here, you’re family, and, dammit, you are entitled to unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks. If anyone tries and gets you to commit to minestrone only, counter the offer and tell them you require three zuppe toscane a week minimum, and you won’t budge. The stakes are high and so are you.
Here’s the thing about never-ending soup, salad, and breadsticks – even if you get fired, they are contractually obligated to keep the chicken gnocchi soup and house salad coming. Che Bella!