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2018’s most memorable open office meltdowns

The open office plan has given us far more than just free-flowing ideas, effortless communication, and quick access to the fruit leathers in the kitchen. It has also provide an optimal venue for watching pissed off coworkers blow up during the middle of the workday. Gone are the days of screaming behind closed doors. Indeed, we have entered a glorious new era where transparency rules.

If you’re going lose it at work in 2018, be prepared to have an audience. Here are a few memorable freak-outs from the past 12 months.

Cruise Automation: February 2nd, 2018

When the Director of Engineering lost it after bumping his head into a seven-foot-tall guy’s standing desk

With great posture comes great responsibility, but don’t tell that to Cruise’s seven-foot-tall QA lead Ivan. One of 2018’s most memorable moments was watching the Director of Engineering, Scott, detonate like a nuclear weapon after smashing his skull directly into a corner of Ivan’s desk, cursing Ivan’s incredibly dangerous setup and demanding that he “put some f***ing bumpers on that thing.”

One can only wonder if cars that navigate themselves should be built by people unable to navigate an office.

Stripe: April 20th, 2018

When Tiffany made an ergonomic keyboard do a sick 1080° in midair after her manager sneezed on the back of her neck

Gesundheit. While Tiffany St. Clair diligently coded away to appease her boss Mary, a bit of a Kettle Brand Salt and Pepper chip made its way up Mary’s right nasal passage, triggering a sneeze that makes the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius no more intimidating than a kitten stepping on bubble wrap.

Tiffany leapt from her chair with the agility of a Belizean viper, flipping her keyboard clean over her monitor as if it were Simone Biles in the 2016 Summer Olympics. Mary emailed her from there on out. God bless, indeed.

Mixpanel: July 10th, 2018

When Fred from Accounting continued to insist that it was pronounced ‘Neat-she’ instead of ‘Neesh’ to that programmer who just goes by ‘X’

Fred knew he was asking for trouble talking about the German nihilist within earshot of X, the cryptic programming guru who insists that his desk faces the corner and has an impressive collection of Donkey Kong memorabilia. But Fred really stirred the pot by insisting to the nameless coder that the name of Thus Spoke Zarathustra’s author was not pronounced as X claimed it was.

Two broken Donkey Kong figurines and a smashed bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos later, the two remembered the fight didn’t really matter since existence itself is meaningless.

Uber: August 15, 2018

When Travis Kalanick burst into Uber’s headquarters riding a warthog and brandishing a weapon

Who could forget the balmy summer day when the former ridesharing CEO plowed through security on the back of an East Kenyan razor-tusked battle hog while swinging a 110-pound medieval jousting lance with reckless abandon?

The famed disruptor had neglected to update his address in the UberEats app, but turned his battle hog back around after realizing that Dara Khosrowshahi had ordered the same thing.