Trying to find the perfect gift to impress your coworkers, let your family know how much you love them, or win back the affection of your third wife Theresa? Sweaters and socks aren’t going to cut it. To find the perfect gift this holiday season, you’re going to need to think outside of the box and possibly outside of the law.
The dark web is filled with neat little trinkets and knick-knacks that no shopper on the regular internet will ever find. TechLoaf has compiled the definitive list of 2018’s best holiday gifts that can only be purchased deep in the gutters of the dark web, the perfect option for those who want to trade boring retail items for the actual tail of an Alaskan Bull Moose.
Stock up on Bitcoin, open up an incognito tab, and get ready to catch your loved ones so off-guard that they’ll scream with delight!
1. ATM skimmers
What’s the worst part about getting a Cheesecake Factory gift card or pile of cash for Christmas? Once it’s spent, it’s gone forever. Caput, Finito. Step it up this holiday season and give the gift keeps on giving and giving and giving: ATM debit card skimmers.
These skimmers are a great source of passive income and are compatible with most major ATM makes and models within the continental U.S. Your loved ones won’t know to do with all the extra Cheesecake! Happy Skimming!
2. Crude oil for your dog
Why does your dog need a barrel of crude oil? We’re not sure, but it’s for sale on the dark web, and if Skymall can sell a dog a luxury jacuzzi, you better believe Silk Road will sell Buddy a barrel full of uncut, purely distilled petroleum.
While you can’t return this gift if your dog doesn’t like it, you can absolutely use it to fuel your car, torch your Christmas tree, or get rid of evidence, in which case, you really can blame it on the dog!
3. A new identity in Guatemala
Ever wished a vacation just wouldn’t end? Well now it doesn’t have to with the assumed identity of Maxmillian G. Capistrano, a local magistrate in the mountainous town of Escuintla, Guatemala. In Escuintla, you will be treated to a array of luxuries, such as Maxmillian’s birth certificate, passport, and his impressive alpaca farm. Paradise is just one custom’s check away!
4. A mosaic of Saturn comprised of the 145.5 million identities stolen in the Equifax breach
Gone, but certainly not forgotten. Commemorate the millions of people affected by the breach of Equifax’s servers with small thumbnails of social security numbers, mothers’ maiden names, first high school mascots, and makes and model of their first cars, all delightfully shaped into a breathtaking view of Saturn and its majestic rings.
5. The Complete Ted Kaczynski Holiday Gift Set™
Be “the bomb” this holiday season with a simple manifesto of your own: no more bad gifts. This deluxe gift set will have your loved ones issuing their own critiques of industrialization and feeling mighty cozy while doing so!
- The original, surprisingly charming wax mold Ted used to seal each bomb
- The first draft of his manifesto, complete with Cheeto stains
- The handmade “Live, Laugh, Love” wooden canvas that hung above his desk
6. The world’s last Sumatran Rhinoceros
Shipping not included.