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TechLoaf EXCLUSIVE: Leaked Etsy memo details 3-day company offsite filled with fun, friendship, fatalities

While Etsy struggles to monetize the world’s leading marketplace for handmade goods, they have a new struggle on their hands: weaving a tapestry of lies and deceit.

TechLoaf has obtained a confidential post-mortem memo from Etsy’s HR department outlining a recent team-building retreat that took a dark turn.

The email, obtained by TechLoaf’s resident beat reporter and scrapbooking expert Kevin “Scrap-Dawg” Rodriguez, begins innocently:

Re: [Confidential] Amazing offsite! (and reminder to not talk to the press)
: HR@etsy.craft
To: All

Hello Everyone!

I want to give a big thank you to everyone who made Etsy’s 2019 Ingenuity @ Workan Et-specially fun and unforgettable experience!

A big thank you to Alex Tween for coordinating our “hotel” accommodations (Camp Grounded’s yurts were certainly rustic!), and I think we can all agree that the catering this year was food (who knew you could grill mallard eggs??).

Overall, this was our most successful and most diverse retreat to date, and we came in way under budget! 🙌

All that said, we can always improve! We got some great feedback from the team (thank you all for FINALLY filling out my survey) about things we can do better next year.

But, the “feedback” section of the email takes a turn for the worst:

🎤Improv Night: We heard from a few of you that Kevin’s impression of Carol’s speech impediment was a little insensitive. Next year, we’ll be sure to do a little refresher on what’s silly and what’s just mean!

🍕Build Your Own Pizza CompetitionMamma Mia! Boy, did we make some tasty pies. That said, a few of you pointed out that putting pineapple on a veggie lovers pizza does not reflect our values as a company. Message received! Etsy is a STUFFED CRUST MEAT LOVERS company!

📱Cell Phone Policy: We are reconsidering the no-screen policy as we did NOT know some of you use phones to remind you to take your medications! 

⚰️☠️Jim’s Death: We heard from a few of you that Jim’s execution-style shanking during the popsicle stick log cabin competition could have been prevented if we had just taken turns grabbing the sticks. We also hear those of you that said that his body could have been treated more respectfully (and that we should’ve given Krista a new partner for the three-legged race). We have come to believe Jim’s family would not want his body to be bejeweled with hot glue during as a prop in the talent show.

The email ends on jovial, if culpable, note: 

Granted Jim’s demise was not on the agenda, but it was really a treat to watch the whole team use those improv skills to find a place to hide his body. I know some of you wanted to call the police immediately, so thank you for respecting the no-phone policy!

A few follow-up items:
– Please pick up your retreat t-shirts!! (I still have a box of extras sitting under my desk)
– If you left a light brown North Face jacket on the bus, I have it
– Carol, do you know when your uncle “Le Tigre” needs to pick up the bone saw he lent us? I have it soaking in the sink next to Darren’s tupperware (re: DARREN PLEASE WASH YOUR DISHES).

Update (8:59am PST): TechLoaf has learned that Etsy will host an impromptu off-site in Venezuela until further notice.