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Boston Dynamics releases air-conditioned horse

While it may not be as endearing as Seabiscuit or as heartwarming as Misty of Chincoteague, Boston Dynamics’ new air-conditioned horse sure is one thing: banned in six countries, five blue states, and the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg.

The SoftBank-backed Boston Dynamics released a video teaser of the two-ton, air-conditioned, steel-plated instrument of destruction not only opening doors on its own, but barreling right through them while maintaining a brisk-yet-refreshing 68 degree interior climate.

“I’m excited to announce that not only did we ask ‘can we’ build a two-ton air-conditioned horse capable of taking out the Eastern Interconnection Power Grid in five minutes, but we in fact did it, and it can take out the entire Eastern Interconnection Power Grid in just under two minutes,” said CEO Marc Reibert.

The two-ton merchant of death, which will be available to consumers starting June 1st, boasts the following features:

  • A Bass-boosted Dolby surround sound mane
  • Chrome hooves
  • A Hoover Dustbuster vacuum for a tail
  • Laser eyes capable of corroding a full-grown man’s brain stem from a mile away
  • Four adjustable cup holders
  • A Blu-Ray player

The company also announced its next projects already in the works: a wooly mammoth that’s also a pizza oven that can kill you, and also a hot water heater gorilla capable of heating 100 gallons of water in minutes right before it chokes you to death and steals all of your things.