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Is Austin the new Silicon Valley? No, because my backstabbing ex-wife lives in Austin

By Frank Klomax, PMP

Many cities fashion themselves as the new Silicon Valley, but of the contenders Austin, Texas is clearly leading the pack. Apple is investing more than $1 billion and hiring over 1,000 workers in Austin, with Google and Facebook announcing similar plans of their own.

However, Austin will never be the new Silicon Valley because my backstabbing ex-wife Michelle – who left me for an Ecuadorian helicopter pilot named Javier – lives there.

Texas has climbed to become the third-most-popular place to start a company over the last decade, up from 20th, largely due to its abundance of affordable housing, a high quality of life, and relaxed business licensing rules.

But make no mistake, as long as Michelle Greer Hertwig (724 Holmesdale Lane, Austin, Texas, 73301 according to the last court records I have) lives there, the city will pale in comparison to Silicon Valley. 

I paid off over $10,000 of her high-interest student loans just for her to feed my guinea pig Chad asparagus. She knew full well it would gastrointestinally collapse his fragile rodent stomach due to the surprisingly high amount of fiber it contains. Who does that?

Speaking of student loans, the University of Texas supplies the tech sector with thousands of highly skilled workers each year and the median starting salary for college-educated workers is $53,429 in Austin, far higher than any other city outside of the coasts.

But I didn’t need a college degree to realize things were going south when Michelle told me she was going away for the weekend to visit her sister in Miami. She came back and she wasn’t even tan, plus she doesn’t have a sister.

Oh, I forgot, this one is good. That awful harlot used to put on one sock then one shoe at a time instead of putting on both socks then both shoes. That’s right, for several seconds each morning and each evening she’d have one foot with both a sock and a shoe on it while the other foot was bare. Completely insane, right?

No, Austin will never be the next Silicon Valley so long as Michelle the Jezebel roams its streets. Also, for the love of God, no VC in their right mind is in Austin.

That said, the queso at Chuy’s is pretty darn good.