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Burn rate win: Employee no longer needs standing desk after horrific airboat accident

By Larson Davis Haskins, CFO, CFA, CPA

I’ve been a CFO for 19 years and counting, and boy can I count. That’s a CFO joke. And nothing pumps me up more than cutting our burn rate and extending our runway, so I’m absolutely jacked to announce that we will save $839.99 and extend our runway three hours now that our Engineering Manager Jacob Engel was involved in a high-speed two-airboat airboating accident while airboating drunk, and now I can deny his request for a standing desk.

Some call Thomas Edison “The Wizard of Menlo Park” and I am “The Wizard of Gretel.io – The Premier Location-Based Feminist Coworking App,” for I have slashed and burned. This company just might make it after all.

What kind of CFO am I? A glorified comptroller? An M&A specialist? No, I slash and burn, and now that Jacob has lost all feeling in his lower extremities and will spend the next 3-6 months watching The Price is Right in a full body cast in a Fort Lauderdale hospital I can slash and burn this entire $839.99.

Our backs are against the wall here at Gretel.io. We have a headcount of 117 and no product. It’s getting real, and it’s time to make some tough decisions, just like that time in The Magic School Bus where they made a tough decision to go inside Ralphie’s knee to look at platelets and stuff and they almost got eaten by a white blood cell.

Phoebe, per usual, contributed nothing of substance and Arnold failed to seek psychiatric intervention for his glaring mood disorder. My tough decision here was to deny Jacob’s request for a standing desk, because after all he now poops in a bag because he thought it would be a good idea to stalk his ex-fiance on her honeymoon and rent his own airboat to follow her around and show off in front of her new husband, Gary.

This morning, we had three months left of this grand experiment, and now we have three months and three more hours. Now if only our Director of Product Marketing would fall off a cliff, we may just make it until October.

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