Nice. You’re actually going to do it. You scored a hot date with a lady and you’re bringing her to the company picnic. Nothing like fun, sun, and the staid monotony of trust falls to really let your freak flag fly.
Who said you can’t mix business with the off-chance of pleasure? Here are five Loaf tips on surviving your Tinder date that takes place at the company picnic.
1) Relax – this is just as weird for you as it is for her and every single one of your coworkers
Pump the brakes, kemosabe, you actually brought a total stranger to your company picnic. Hooooo boy. What, did you really think Joanne in Finance and her would hit it off? Over what? The plushie toys Joanne has on her desk? This girl said she “hates drama” in her profile and if there’s one thing Joanne loves it’s drama. And GAAP. Boy does that lady love her some Generally Accepted Accounting Principles.
If everyone weren’t icing their tug-of-war rope burn they’d be giving you some serious side eye.
2) Make sure you have an exit plan, not for your job which is clearly going to end soon, but for your date if there’s not a fit
Cheese and crackers, you for real brought a woman in the flesh that you met on a dating app to your company picnic. Is this not your promotion year? Is any year your promotion year?
3) Remember to bring protection, not for after the date but for Crazy Ryan in Analytics, your coworker who is going to fight someone at the kickball game over the “no curveball” rule
Honey Bunches of Oats, your boss and his boss and her boss are all wondering why you brought a living, breathing, single human who does not work at the company to the company picnic. You’ve known Uber drivers longer than her. You’ve known clients who never emailed you back then churned longer than you’ve known her. And now you want her to play shortstop at the kickball game? You know Crazy Ryan in Analytics isn’t client-facing and he takes company picnic kickball way too seriously. He’s going to take a hard slide into your date the moment he gets on base. My goodness, man, here’s to hoping you get to second base before he gets to second base and takes her out. He is going to fight someone and it’s going to be your date and you.
4) Stay present, even as your coworkers gossip about this on the #general channel
Spice Girls Almighty, there’s still time to bail on this whole ill-wroughted endeavor. You’re really going through with this aren’t you? Then you might as well live in the moment, even as your coworkers furiously lampoon you publicly in the company’s #general channel where your decisions will digitally live forever on the Searchable Log of All Conversation and Knowledge. Why did they choose #general and not #random? Well, pal, there’s nothing about a complete lunatic like you bringing a strange woman to the company picnic. I mean, yikes, she clearly did not even know this was your company picnic.
5) Dress to impress because your job as project manager on a deliverable that should have shipped months ago certainly won’t
Kim Jong Un’s Meatball Stains, there she is. And look what she’s wearing. Is that a tasteful-yet-flowy summer top? Wait, was this casual thing? And here you are wearing a suit jacket. But all of your coworkers are wearing color coordinated jerseys stating their team names. Better get used to wearing that collared shirt and jacket, pal, you’re going to be interviewing soon.
6) Tell that joke about Sean Connery showing up to Wimbledon at ‘Tenish’
That one always kills. Crazy Ryan in Analytics also kills.